My experiences in the academy is still unfolding itself. Some of these experiences are good while others are naive. In the academy, there is a quasi- military culture that I am still trying to get used to. I have to, it is the foundation of the kind of education that the academy delivers. It is its mission. Without it, there is nothing significant about the institution anymore.
On my first weekend at the academy, I saw the incoming probationary students. I didn't understand why the parents have to cry, and why things are such a big deal at the academy. But late this morning, I realized why. It's not that easy to start life indoctrinated and under the civilian power. There is a restriction�of freedom. Freedom is something that I treasure most. I've been with UP for the last 8 years, and my life has been fruitfully free. I had the freedom to wear slippers, shorts and a shirt when going to school. I had the freedom to speak my mind, to intellectually�discuss issues and things with friends and foes alike, to take to the streets key issues and principles that I think needs to be addressed by the persons concerned. These things I couldn't see in the academy. Well, obviously. All I know is that when your'e in a military environment, you are under civilian rule. That applies to a certain percentage to the cadets of the academy. And when you are in that certain environment and condition, your life will have a complete turnabout, you are subject to more rigid rules than what your mother might have imposed on you when you were still under�her care. You are expected to do things based on schedule and based on what was expected of you. You have to do things differently- the way you walk, talk, eat and probably sleep.
I don't pity the cadets or cadettes who are under it. I pity it if it happens to me. There is a moral, emotional and psychological degradation that will happen to me if I am in that situation- not counting the physical torment that I would undergo.
Funny. But at one point I was actually thinking of entering the academy. Jeez.
�Probationary students undergo training for one month. If they can surpass it, and if they won't resign, then they are to take oath as fourth class midshipmen in the academy. It's like you earned the right to be first year cadets. Life will probably be hell for them for one year, but if they surpass it, they'll probably be hotshots for the next year.
The next year, they become 3rd class midshipmen, and some of them will form part of the orientation staff who will train�and guide the incoming proby for next year. Leadership knows no boundaries. It only knows what and how to direct in order that the goals can be achieved. I can see in these cadets and cadettes a different training that will make them future leaders of this country. That's something I am beginning to appreciate in this academy- the training of future leaders. They do it in a military way of course.
I've been reading about personal accounts of life at this academy through the eyes of the cadets themselves. It's a hard life. You have to juggle so many responsibilities. You have to balance your physical, emotional, spiritual and�intellectual self.�You have to wake up 4 in the morning to fix your�bunk, do physical training and clean yourself. Then, you have to�attend your classes and study at�night. The hardest part�is dealing with your seniors. You have to obey�hundreds of them and you have to know them by�name one�by one lest you get to be punished when asked�if you know the senior. For me, it's an interesting life�for the one who is determined�for this profession. But I wonder? Is it for the money? Or is it for the love of the profession? I haven't asked a cadet the reason why he�wants to�join the workforce in the maritime industry. But�I know�that a�huge percentage of them would want to go to this profession because of the dollars that can be earned.�
Maybe that's the only and biggest lure of�the profession. But�they forget that the dollar is starting�to weaken plus the recession that�is hitting the US. It's all about the money at the end of the day, I guess. Who would want to stay for months at sea isolated from civilization if not for the money?�Forgive me for being sarcastic, but I don't see anything�so high and mighty about�the profession except for the money.�
well not much has realli happend..me and baby cakes got into this huge arguement last nite cuz hes afraid to go wit me cuz he dont wnt jasmine to get hurt...watever fuck tht� gurl i hatte her..and i wish wed go out n shed try to start shit, cuz id beat her ass...naw but antywaise he so needs to make up his mind cuz im tired of waittin...this boy devonte likes me and wants to go wit me but how can i go wit him wen im waitin onn walter....idkk part of me just wants to give up but then another part of me thinks ive waited way to long jsut to give up you knoee..im just soo confused>< omg and thenn i tell walter about devonte cuz he just wants to be mi bestfriend and all and of course he has to think negative and be like oh he prolley just wanna go wit u cuz of ur past ahd he prolley just wanna fuck and blah blah...i personally think hes the one stuck on mi past still becuz he the one always bringin it upp...mi past aint even that bad!!!! i just happend to talk to alot boys and play alota boys.. i mean if bois can do it why cant gurls (its dumb how if we do it tho it makes us look like a hoe) watervr thoo....im just bnout to be done wit erybody and keep to mi self next yearr evenn tho its gunna be sooooooo hard...i mean cum one now wats high skool wit out boys and partys and flirtinng..itll be boring as hell PLUS im a be dancer next year :] �ima be wilen out :] ya digg lol kayy well mi words is runnin loww.
I just realised, Abraham never actually did anything for God. I mean he did leave his home and followed God. He did believe in God and took him at his word. But he didn't actually do anything for God. He didn't build anything for God. He didn't serve God. Didn't spread God's word.
Isaac was the same, but he did even less. And Jacob... what did he ever do for God? His claim to fame was that he had 12 sons. The patriarchs of the tribes of Israel. Whoopdi doo. He had lots of kids.
None of these guys really did anything for God out of the unusual. And God was happy to be identified as the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob.
Maybe this is a picture of grace. Maybe God seriously is less interested in what we can do for him and way more interested in just us being his and him being ours.
我没法不转发这首让千人落泪, 使万人心碎的诗. 《孩子快抓紧妈妈的手》 � � � � � � � � � � � � � �--为地震死去的孩子们而作 （感谢作者） 孩子，快 抓紧妈妈的手 去天堂的路 太黑了 妈妈怕你 碰了头 快 抓紧妈妈的手 让妈妈陪你走 妈妈 怕 天堂的路 太黑 我看不见你的手 自从 倒塌的墙 把阳光夺走 我再也看不见 你柔情的眸 孩子 你走吧 前面的路 再也没有忧愁 没有读不完的课本 和爸爸的拳头 你要记住 我和爸爸的模样 来生还要一起走 妈妈 别担忧 天堂的路有些挤 有很多同学朋友 我们说 不哭 哪一个人的妈妈都是我们的妈妈 妈妈 哪一个孩子都是妈妈的孩子 没有我的日子 你把爱给活的孩子吧 妈妈 妈妈 你别哭 泪光照亮不了 我们的路 让我们自己 慢慢德走 妈妈 我会记住你和爸爸的模样 记住我们的约定 来生一起走！
Dear All,
I want to share the follwing article (written by a freind) with you.
At 2:28 in the afternoon, we all stopped... I mean "we" all stopped... almost every human being in China stopped and bowed our heads... ships at sea stopped and all personnel arrived on deck... factories stopped and all personnel took off their hats and lowered their heads... police, army, TV personnel , people on the street, rescuers in the quake zone, children in the schools, young adults in the universities, business men in the fortune towers of Shanghai, heads of state and those that govern stopped... all of China came to a stand still... and we all collectively lowered our heads... and the warning sirens across this big diverse country sounded... they screamed a mournful tone for the dead and dying... for the children without families... for the heroes that gave their lives that one or two other people might have a chance to live... for the school teachers buried beneath the devastation, clutching their students in an eternal embrace... for the old soldier covered in dust and soot carrying one last baby to safety... each with tears streaming furrows across their grief etched faces... for the kind ones giving most of the little they have to perhaps effect some positive impact on the broken heart of China. Never have I seen a country so caught up in the fever of free enterprise and capital gain revert to the fundamental good that is near the heart of all mankind... �Not a sound except the screaming wail of the sirens... from the Yellow sea to the borders of Macho... from the North Western stretches of arid Xinjiang to the lush greenery of Kunming, from the frigid reaches of Heilongjiang to the tropics of Hainan...all of China silently wept. As the mournful tone subsided we all turned from this moment back to the task at hand... but with a melancholy that will not soon be removed nor a resolve that will soon be daunted... �If you ever wondered about the Chinese people and the "stuff" they are made of... I tell you, it is the grandest stuff... an unflinching commitment to a better tomorrow and a will to face adversity as a people... as a nation. �So those of you in this big, big country that value life by the money gained and the scam that you can inflict on your fellow man, you have no lasting place here... you will be ferreted out and displaced by better men... a better people... people who's values have been proven by fire... people made of a forged steel that will bend but will not break... the Chinese of today and their heirs of tomorrow...this is the stuff that China is made of...nothing more... nothing less...
Dear all,
You may all heared about earthquack in central China on 12 May 2008,� many Chinese children died, I believe that the following�poem will move all human beings in the world.� If you are willing to help and please do, your help will make difference of those mother who lost their child. I want to thank the writer of the poem from bottom of my heart. Thanks also�a freind 15 years daughter who�translated the poem from Chinese�into English.�
Grab My Hand, My Child in Memory of All the Children Died in the Sichuan Earthquake
May 23, 2008
�
Friday I had the day off from working at Lowe’s.� Today I stared doing some volunteer work at the American Red Cross.� I’m trying to fill my days with productive activity until I really get to work.� I had applied for work about a week ago but had to go thru a security check (since 911) so I had to wait for that to come back.� I guess I was acceptable!� I am doing� basic administrative work.� They have a program called Whales Tales that teaches children water safety.� Each child that participates in the program has to be put into a data base.� About 3500 children will take the course in the next month – so that’s lots of names to enter.� On Friday night I went to a seminar “how to get into NASCAR.”� It’s put on by a husband wife team that is both in the industry.� It was very informative.� Many of the people who attended were in town for the race this weekend.� I was one of the few people that actually lived here.� I will follow up with them again this week to see what leads they might have for me.
Ugh. I am sooo tired of problems.
I wish my life were different. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what kind of different, but I do not like my life. I am not suicidal, don't worry. I am just... uncomfortable. I don't know what it is that makes me feel this way.
Maybe I know myself too well. I can tell you, without a trace of doubt, that I have pretty well non-existant self-esteem. I was taught not to like myself in school. Not by teachers, of course. I remember distinctly being eight years old and in class at my old school. We were working on drawing this ridiculous picture for a cookbook we were making as a class. I remember talking to the kids seated at my table. I asked to see their drawings. Each and every single one of them, when they held theirs up, said, "Well, it's really ugly, but here it is." And when they asked to see mine, I held mine up and said, "I like mine." And the expressions on their faces! As if I'd made some terrible faux-pas, by admitting I liked my drawing. It made me wonder...
And then I began to understand later that all their compliments, too, were false. We were taught to "be nice"-- and just where do you stop with that? People out and out lie about their opinions of things. I have. It wasn't generally accepted to say anything but "Oh, your ENTER SCHOOL PROJECT HERE is sooo nice! You're going to do so�much better than me!" If you didn't say that, you were mean. If you were mean, you had no friends. For a while I had no friends, because I said what I thought. I eventually learned, though, to see and compare for myself while smiling falsely and saying how lovely everyone was. Comparing unbiasedly? Maybe, maybe not. After all, who can I ask about it? Has no one else but me noticed? I don't want to ask.
Besides that, I am completely analytical when it comes to my opinions. I can pick apart my thought processes.�I can be extremely objective when it comes to what I think (especially when I try to decide my opinion on something). It's sometimes almost scary. I can at one time be extremely practical, almost to the point where it's not practicality anymore, and extremely empathetic and sensitive. I don't know how that's possible, but I am like that. At other times I just can't be hard and objective. I am actually very, very sensitive and sometimes that part of me comes out and won't go away. I am vulnerable, and it pisses the analytical part of me off.
I am having an extremely hard time living with myself right now. I am not self-loathing. It's just that I have so much to think about and decide and there is not a single person on the face of the planet that I can tell everything that is on my mind. Not one. How is one 15-year old supposed to deal?
I suppose that's why I feel like I'm older than I actually am. I feel old inside, like an adult more than�a child. And I wish I were a child again, in some ways.
I am not in despair. That's the wrong word. I guess the word is alone, and feeling helpless. It would help so much if I had some self esteem, but I don't. So I will manage. I will make it. I will try.
~Annabel
So yet another day w/o her. I guess what I miss the most is just being in love. I think that deep down I knew that the two of us would clash. We were too much alike. After being single and playing the field for a few years, that it was nice to have ther person there. I don't think it was nessarily her. It was just the security of being in love and it's really a great feeling. I guess that's what I'm chasing.
I just wish that I could stop wanting my phone to ring and it be her. I know that it would not be a good thing. I hated the perpetual bickering and fight picking that would always seem to happen towards the end. It sure didn't start like that. At first I fell...HARD for her and we would do nothing but laugh and play. I guess that's what I chased and she even called it too that if we had a relationship together the worst part would be letting each other down. And I tried soooo hard to work things out so that it wouldn't get to that and I guess it takes two to tango.
Late
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